here I am again with a basket full of questions..I always keep wondering, Why do I go on questioning about something or the other?? I hope its healthy..

The main reason I am writing this blog is because I cant find anything else more interesting to do right now. I am at one place and I want to be at another place doing something else..but since you are not free to do anything you want anytime you want even in a free country, you have to pick up the best choice you have got in the limited options presented.

For example, now I want to just go out, lie on grass and just stare into the sky. But thats not commercially viable...The only outlet I have got for all my pent up emotions and thoughts seems to be this blog right now, since there arent any of my close friends in the vicinity.

Somehow I feel academic environment is more satisfying than the corporate environment. In school you have assignments and exams and you study hard to get good grades. There is this great sense of satisfaction and achievement once you have finished your examination or presentation. But with the corporate world, at least the one I am in right now, there are so many disappointments...You cant be in the project you want to be, You cant implement the technology you want, everything has to go through a Project Manager who decides what is best for the company...agreed, thats the best way to go...but what about individual satisfaction??

If you are not feeling happy with what you are doing, Is it the Manager's fault in not making you feel good about it or is it yours in not voicing your opinion more emphatically and in not pushing your thoughts forward?? Whose fault is it?? How many mangers have time and patience to actually see if his/her employees are actually feeling good abt what they are doing? and how many can actually make them happy if they are disappointed abt something...as far as I know very few..

But then the success of the company lies in how motivated and passionate its employees are..right? How else can you explain the zeal with which most of the employees in the top-notch companies talk? or is it just me??

well, whatever may be the answers to my questions, as Lord Krishna said in Gita, "You have to do your duty" ( I cant remember the exact words, but something to this effect)..my duty is to do my work with interest and passion and strive towards acheiving better results for my employer....and always remember to love and live your life to the fullest!!

so here I am again..after a week with the flu and some long hours at work, finally a weekend..huh!! happy..suddenly I was so free and my mind was a total blank !!

There was nothing interesting on TV and I was not in the mood to talk to anyone..and not interested in reading either...so was just lying down and thinking..just thinking..about myself, about my past all these 23 years..seemed like a long journey and I started thinking ..where am I heading to?? again a big blank...complete void..seriously I was scared..scared that I might not find anything in life interesting anymore..and thats so scary..becoz then you dont enjoy life..you dont feel like living anymore..so to get me out of that bottomless abyss...I need to find a branch to hang on to...to get me to like life again..to get me to think of chocolates and beautiful dresses..

I have got to think of something to dream about and that too very fast..before I become too dull to dream..what is it that I cant have now?? becoz that alone can keep me going now...To make you understand heres a simple example..My cousin from sweden once brought these delicious belgian sea shell chocolates..and they were absolutely awesome..I had never tasted something so exotic before..they simply melt in your mouth..and they did get over..pretty soon and then I could never get those chocolates anywhere in India or US..and recently I remembered those sea shells and just kept dreaming about them and I was so excited and happy becoz I had to get those sea shells somehow and the temptation kept my adrenaline flowing..and I started my search ..this time I found a web site where I could order them..I was so excited :) ..then I found them in my local walmart with all other christmas candies..I was so happy when I saw those...Immediately I bought them and had one..then I had almost half the box in another week and I was very satisfied...suddenly those sea shells dont seem so tempting too me anymore...thats a bit sad..you know...becoz I lost something that could hold my interest and seeing those sea shells again wont bring me that great anticipation again...so there ends my example...

thats the proof to my theory that you have got to have something to dream about, to keep going on in life..there should be something to look forward to, otherwise life is not worth it any more...its just like..when you open your inbox you want to see a a real personal mail for you..not another spam or some great deal...when you open the door of your house every evening after coming from work, you want a loved one to give you a hug and when you close your eyes in the night, you want an angel to come into your dreams.......its that simple...every day you want to see something waiting for you..we all need to be feel wanted...simple principle yet so powerful and we all go to such great lengths to attain power and money and at the end of the day all that matters is that small smile or touch..and it will make your day

I sound like a romeo, isnt it?? suddenly somehow I feel ok...I am not angry with life now and I am smiling, becoz then life is like that...it will never tire you out...actually.

maybe all the answers lie in those eyes.......

When I look into your Spanish eyes
I know the reason why I am alive
And the world is so beautiful tonight

So here we are..again after a long gap, very typical of me huh?
its ok, I dont think I have any serious fans who devotedly keep checking my blog :)
since I am the only one who keeps reading my blogs again and again, theres no harm in paying some rare visits...

ok so here go my thoughts..of late I have been thinking hard, what actually makes us happy? Is it money...to some extent but not totally, Is it good health? no, not really, Is it good friends and a happy family, this might be a really good candidate..
i recently heard of a survey where they measured one's happiness and turns out that people are most happy when their relative incomes or earnings are equal to or higher than their peers or friends. It doesnt matter how much they actually make, its how much more I make than my neighbor or the nerd next cubicle...humans have definitely got the most amazing psyche...its always comparison...its not enough if you say to a lady that "You are beautiful", they feel more happy when you say, "You are more beautiful than anyone else on this earth, you are the most beautiful woman in the world"

Its the comparatives and the superlatives that make up our world, its not the positives. Its not enough if you are "good", you should be "better" than most of the people in your group or the best thing would be, you should be the "best".

All my childhood, it was always " Who would get the first rank in the class?", it didnt matter even if you didnt score that well in the exam, as long as you scored the highest. Sometimes it did hurt a bit if the highest mark was not even 80%, but then there was always this smug feeling that no one else could do it better, so you might as well rejoice...

so now, after some hundreds of exams, assignments, projects, grades and score sheets, I question myself..."What exactly did I achieve in my life and seriously Am I happy with it? Is this what I want? Am I happy with my achievements in life?"

Do we actually need to live in complete seclusion like the munis and saints in the olden days in order to achieve an actual sense of fulfillment? Do we need to isolate ourselves to actually find the real threshold of success or fulfillment? Do we need to run far away from people in order to avoid comparing ourselves with them?

To be frank, I dont have the answers. But I have started to realize that real happiness doesnt lie in comparing the salary figures with that of your friends or in counting in how many more assets you have got than your peers...Real happiness lies far from these...

Nothing can match the sense of satisfaction when you look at the rising sun and nothing can match the joy when you see your loved one smile...
So I think I have asked more questions than the number of answers I provide. But then everyone has to find his/her own answer..its not the same thing for everyone.

It is one of those days where u dont want to do anything. You just want to lie down and dream and dream. Today is like that. Even the weather is like that. Its dull and still warm enough. How I wish I could just go out and lie down on grass and think nothing for hours together. Alas! Money cannot buy you anything and the topmost things would be Peace..and Happiness.

I just finished a final exam yesterday and so this is a sort of excuse perhaps :)
In fact I was thinking hard about web sites that provide some nice time pass info to read..I am so badly in need of something entertaining...Also I just had lunch and this might be another reason for feeling so dreamy. This reminds me of my engineering days when we used to have some extremely boring classes or a real boring prof's class just right after lunch. How everyone in the class used to fight their yawns and stop from falling asleep. Why the most recent, in my first semester in Masters, I used to doze off in classes after lunch. Sometimes because the class is so complicated that you stop listening becoz nothing is going into ur head and sometimes becoz I had lost track of what was happening in the class.
God and how I hated those morning classes at 8.30 AM in the Spring of '04. I literally slept on the last desk in the class. I dunno if the prof ever observed but it was just unstoppable, beyond my means.

Often there are days, when u dont/cant get up from the bed. I love that sleep. Its so overpowering and its so so nice to continue sleeping...u know its the best thing I have experienced so far. Just thinking abt it makes me sleepy :)
who ever said, "Little joys in life are what we treasure the most" is absolutely correct. I never got the satisfaction or happiness from an expensive dress or something else that I got from a good night's sleep or a heart-to-heart talk with a best friend.

We all need each other to survive, dont we? and we still fight to keep above each other. Life is so funny..u dont know where u r headed to and still u run in great hurry...I wish I could pause my life for sometime and see what I achieved and what is left to achieve as yet?? Time never stops for anyone...still sometimes time doesnt hold much value. Time cannot take my memories away from me. I will treasure them always.

I dont know if this is coherent with the previous paragraphs, but thinking abt time.
Always I used to feel bad the way time used to slip away when I was with my loved ones and then drag when no one was around. But one thing I realised today, time cannot take away my loving memories. with passing time, they will only become strong and keep me strong too. Had not the time passed so quickly when I was having fun, maybe I wouldnt cherish those sweet memories with so much love. Thanks to time, I know the value of things :)

Really this is an amazing revelation for me. I feel so happy.
ok I will sign off now..let me enjoy these moments with my mind's eye.

Life gets so dull and boring..that sometimes u feel what is there to go on?
huh..right now I dont feel like doing anything..:(
Its not that I dont have any work, I have enough to keep me busy for days together.
But the problem is I am not in the mood.
Sometimes I feel if everyone has such mood swings or u know such moments where u just want to sit and dream or just complain that life is such a bore !
I wonder at some people who can continuously work like machines. There is something missing in such people, the human element. If you can work like hell when u have to for days together without a break and then enjoy only when u have time, I guess its impossible for me.

I dont say that I dont slog. There were days when I slept only 4 to 5 hours. But then I am not always like that, I do complain. Maybe I can never understand the so-called perfect human - machines. Seriously, I dont want to be one.

Is it that I am feeling jealous about such people and trying to cover my inherent lack of determination? Atleast I am sure its not the second part, I maybe jealous but I dont lack any det..In fact I am pretty confident I have accomplished some tasks where others have given up.

Ok I think I will stop my musings here..I dont see them going anywhere, But it was nice to record this thought. I am sure this thought will arise again and again and if I find a better answer, I can come back and add here.

catch u soon,
for now alvida

Atlast my Spring break is over..Considering the movies I saw it was not bad :)
For the first time after coming to US I did not go to any trip for a vacation, that too for a break as long as the Spring break.

Anyways no regrets, it was not that bad after all spending the break in Manhattan, Kansas. I always mention Kansas when I say Manhattan becoz I dont want anyone to mistaken it for the New York Manhattan, becoz both are just the opposite :)
Manhattan, NY is a bustling place filled with activity where everyone seem to be running. The subway is crowded even at 2.00 am in the morning. Manhattan, KS is a small university town laid back and quiet and u know just the opposite. U see theres a big difference between the BIG Apple and the Little Apple.

Ok now coming back from the diversion, I watched some really fun movies like Murari, Anand, The Italian Job, My Cousin Vinny and then ok sort of movies like Missamma, first part of Aitraaz [it was not interesting enuf to hold me back to see the rest of it] and then the first part of Chalte Chalte [ not bad but this time, the internet connection was gone for the rest of it]..will watch it sometime this weekend.

Then I read the book "The Da Vinci Code" by Dan Brown. An interesting book, really nice in the beginning when the plot unfolds and the hidden meaning in Da Vinci's paintings are descibed. It was just amazing, but then the latter part of the book fails to maintain the same tempo. It just lets you down. But worth a read..not bad.

and then I went to Topeka, [ so many more shops and restaurants than in Manhattan] did some shopping and went to Olive Garden restaurant. The ambience was great in the restaurant, food was good and the service excellent..what more can you ask ?
One of the best restaurants I had been to. Also I went to a disco in Lawrence. The disco was ok, but then we went to Perkins. Even this one was good, the food was tempting even at 2.00 Am in the morning, though I must say it had lots of butter. I had a raspberry tea that was really good. It was a nice friday night.

Now coming to the downside, I cudnt do many things I planned like doing my taxes, then my insurance and so on..I have to wrap them all this week.

Also last but not the least I cud finish all the required things for my Masters project. There have been few more additions today though, as expected. But it was not bad. It was a part of agenda on my To-Do list for my Spring break.

So there ends my break and my Semester resumes with full force bringing in its very own quizzes, projects, assignments and deadlines :) phew..
Got to go back to work..
ciao

This might be a record of sorts, Writing another blog within a gap of 3 days !!
Maybe its becoz its Spring break and I am not going anywhere :(
But anyways, its a nice time to give a fresh lease of life for my creative writing :)
all these days it has been suffocated by Java classes and software specifications.

Yesterday I saw "Black", a bollywood movie by Sanjay Leela Bhansali.
The movie was different and well taken. But one thing I realized was why it is so difficult for a deaf and blind person to speak even if he/she is not dumb. How can they speak if they cant hear how a sound should be pronounced ??
This might be quite basic, but till then I had never given a thought to it. Really a nice movie and good performances.

What else? I had some 100 things listed to do for this week, but I am not quite sure if I can get atleast 10% of it done. Thats Life :)

Sometime life can get boring though you have some 100 things to do [ just like my situation] because u want to do something which u cant do now. For example, I want to go out and visit some places right now, but not possible, so even if there are some interesting options before me, I dont enjoy them.
Maybe he who enjoys what is laid before him, is the one who has attained the ultimate happiness or nirvana..
phew ! I am so far from it..I cant get to concentrate on single thing even for a minute..how restless the mind is?? Someone said, Our mind is like a monkey, u need to get hold of it to attain concentration. Looks like my mind has become a too difficult to get hold of "monkey".
ok I dont think any of this sounds creative, but thats what I am feeling now. I wanted to write about rain..but I think I will write in another blog..Writing in this one just doesnt agree with the sequence..u see mind is a monkey :)

Ok, I wanted to write this from long long time, but kept postponing..
This incident has happened in the first semester of my Masters.
We had a project in Parallel Programming and it was a 2-member team project.
I teamed up with my roomie and my very good friend Sasya.
The project was in a three phase and we completed the first one without any major problems, though it didnt come out so well :)
Then we had the second phase, now I dont remeber what we had at the same time, I guess another assignment of the same course and some other submissions u know in the same week, as it happens in every semester of an average Masters student [ How much time was given to solve the assignment doesnt hold much importance here :) ]..only the deadlines matter and how they are spaced..the interval between deadlines.

That week was a particularly hard one, with a deadline every other day and given our inexperience in programming at that time, it was a tight rope walk.
As expected, we started the second phase of this project just the day before submission, infact the evening before the submission day, around 6.00 Pm. Though it started with some pace, we got stuck at some point. Now how much we tried to solve it, we couldn't. Time was tikcing away and we had to attend a class at 9.00 am the next day [ very early given my sleeping habits]...soon it was 2.00 am and still we were no where near enlightenment [ the solution :)]
so we decided we will do a night out in the lab, [of all the places]
we kept trying various combinations, changed our entire program some 5 or 6 time, still no light.
and soon it was 6.00 am and I was literally falling on the key-board. sasya had to lift me up several times. I dont know how she managed to stay awake. I gave up, I said I wanted to sleep becoz if I dont I will lose my senses..never did I hate Java threads as much as I did at that moment. We decided it was not possible to go home and come back for the class in time. so decided to sleep in the lab itself. can u believe it? A computer lab has become our place of living.
And so I slept soundly in the lab..it was 8.00 am in the morning and sasya was struggling to wake me up, people have started coming to start their day and I was sleeping soundly. I woke up atlast thanks to Sasya's constant nudging. Later she told me that she took almost an hour to wake me up.
When I woke up, it was as if the computer lab was the only place in the world to live.
We attended the class at 9.00 am and I am sure I did not listen to the professor even for a minute. all my friends were asking what happened to both of us. Both of us had red eyes and we didnt have anything in the morning. Imagine we had stayed awake for the whole night after a really tiring day and had barely 2 hours of sleep. poor thing Sasya didnt even get a wink of sleep I think. Then we poured out our sad story and condolences came, many offered help to look at our program. I nodded as if in a trance.

We decided not to give up. We started working on the program again. But what new ideas will a brain get that has been refused a proper night's sleep and decent food. I began to hate Java itself. And soon I was so weak and tired there was no energy left for any feelings, even for Java.And the project submission deadline was 5.00 pm. It was 5.00 Pm and we were still where we were the night before at 9.00 Pm. Another friend looked at our program and pointed out some major flaws and then we changed the program and some things began to work. But there were many other things to do , but no energy left to even type a single character on the key board.
We called it a day [ or maybe u should say a Day that lasted 36 hours] and finally went home.

When I took bath, I felt as If I had not taken one from some days together. What a long day it was! Then we ate something and slept. Next day we got up at 5.00 am. My other roomies thought that both of us have gone out of our minds..I dont blame them, spending the whole night in the lab and then getting up at 5.00 am.
But this time I was feeling very fresh and we started getting ready. Sasya said that she was feeling as if we are going on some trip/expedition, getting up early in the morning and having a too early breakfast. I will never forget that remark of sasya. It was as if we were on a mission as if to climb Mt.Everest or something....anyways, we reached our first home [ the lab where else?] and started working on the project...This time everything was working just fine...no need of any recompilations and runs..everything works in the first go itself...I could not believe my eyes. I purposely put some errors to see if the Java compiler was working alright. Ok it was working fine..Thats it , everything was over by 8.00 am. We finished our project atlast though late by 14 hrs. How relieved I felt at that moment. Suddenly Java did not look so intimidating, infact I sort of liked it when I understood my mistakes. We completed the documentation and submitted the project. We scored 100% minus the marks for late submission. In fact we scored better than our first phase project.
What an experience it was!..After reading this, you might have come to the conclusion that I would never ever start a project/assignment just before the deadline. But no I will prove u wrong with my next blog :)